Frontier Developments found itself at the centre of a storm of controversy this morning as another internet pressure group stepped up its campaign to ‘clean up the gaming industry and make it safe for our children’ as Anole Biddy (‘I think I look 21, don’t you?’) of No Irresponsible Playing with Plastic Leisure Entertainment Systems (NIPPLES) was heard to say to reporters, before telling them to remove their boots from her ‘immaculately manicured lawn’.
NIPPLES’ members insist that the title of FD’s upcoming computer game, Elite: Dangerous, promotes violent thoughts in teenagers. They propose the game be renamed ‘A Light Dance for Us’ and in-game weaponry be replaced, kinetic weapons with ‘Karma Tribbles’ and beam weapons with ‘Golden Showers’ of positivity towards other players. FD representatives have been unavailable for comment.
However, she refused to respond to reports that several NIPPLES are currently in police custody following a scuffle outside Frontier Development’s Cambridge offices. As yet unsubstantiated accounts reveal that founder and CEO of FD, David Braben (looks younger than he is), suffered minor concussion from a thrown breast pump while the whereabouts of Executive Producer Micheal Brookes (too hairy to tell) are unknown at this time. Eyewitness, Luka Thatt (64 ½), said he was last seen being carried away by four rather muscular women who took it in turns to shoulder-lift him in order to allow the others to apply makeup and straighten their panti-girdles. An FD employee, who wished to remain anonymous, said he fears for Mr Brookes’ safety.
With David Braben, the brains behind the operation, incapicitated and his Head Goffer, Michael Brookes, forcibly detained for an indeterminate period, fans agreed to actual real-life meetings in order to express their fears for the future of the game.
‘I wanna kill all the old codgers,’ stated Spotty Eric (12), ‘ ‘Cos wrinkly noobs wee thesselves when I shoot ’em. It’s a laff, man. Can’t do that if them do-gooders wreck the game.’
Another fan, who wished only to be identified by his game-name, Hairy Scrote (face hidden in hoodie), said he wanted the mums to leave the game alone. ‘Else, where will I go? Wiv no decent weapons to clean the Slough system, it’ll just look like my backyard.’
Gamers vs. Moral ‘Majority’ Mums: once more the opposing camps remain encamped and at loggerheads butting heads in a never-ending battle of disagreement that doesn’t stop. This advocate of the public interest thanks them from the bottom of his wallet. Long may it continue.
Article taken from the Fourteen Times, April 1st 2014, p. 346, 2 column inches at 5pt.